As you know, the Christmas season is a very stressful time of the year for me. Don't
get me wrong, I love Christmas, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. That is "the
reason for the season" as they say. However, the one part of the Christmas season I
could do without though is s-sss-ssshh-shopping. Oooo, I feel faint. I hate shopping. Did
I make that clear? Just in case, let's review. I hate shopping. I never know what to get
anybody and I usually end up walking aimlessly through the store. Woks, ninja Turtle
slippers, Garfield phones, Chia pets, various Ronco products, beef jerky and chocolate
gift baskets, ...
The other day I was shopping and I was doing pretty good for a while. I had the
hunter's mind set complete with my shopping camouflage and black stripes under my eyes. I
was even crawling on my belly through the foliage of clothes racks and bargain bins,
eating old, chewed gum for nourishment and survival. Solitude was my only friend.
Patiently, I waited for the kill, but I soon went into primo zombie shopper mode with
glazed, dry eyes and that "muzak" ringing in the sub-conscious corridors of my
mind. I was wandering through aisle after aisle after aisle as colors began to blend and
fade together when I noticed lace out of the corner of my dilated hypnotic trance. My
attention perked and to my infinite horror, I realized that I had mistakenly wandered into
the women's lingerie department.
Instantaneously, an eerie, blood curdling, silent scream echoed deep in my soul and
every man in that store at that moment felt a sudden petrified chill overcome their bodies
for just a split second. Although, they did not know the source or reason for this strike
of fear, (almost the same kind of terror experienced by little boys when they hear their
father's voice scream their full name like PATRICK THOMAS MYER, JR.!!!!!) they somehow
understood and each bowed their head in some sort of symbolic sign of support.
But I quickly became confused and I couldn't find my way out as I was surrounded.
Wireless bras to the left! Pantyhose to the right! Total unmentionables and fitting rooms
in front of me. And I dared not look behind me for fear of the ultimate in male horror:
FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS! I began to panic. A sales lady walked my way. I started
sweating profusely. I didn't want to look like a goof, so I pretended I was actually
shopping for women's undergarments. "Can I help you?" she said. I told myself,
"OK, maintain control and dignity here. Remember, you're a proud member of the male
species, conquerors of strange and violent lands. Why, you can bait a fish hook without
wincing!" I can handle this. Now, I just need to compose a concise statement which
asserts my shopping intentions, while at the same time, establishes my superior
intelligence and masculine authority. Easy
Concentrate
Think
Don't
panic
......... Grabbing for the nearest item on the shelf I blurted, "Does this make me look fat?"
AAAAAAARG!!! Under the intense pressure, I cracked. Give me a crisis I can handle like
the car wont start or the VCR keeps flashing 12:00 and I'm fine. But I was out of my
element here.
This lady was a pro. She picked up on my body scent of fear as the cruel yet
beautifully necessary ritual between predator and prey began. Soon, in one of nature's
examples of team work, other sales ladies were circling me, only adding to my confusion. Blood was in the water. A
chaotic feeding frenzy was eminent. It seemed as if everyone in the department was
watching me. The pressure of blood in my head began to increase to dangerous levels as
logical thought processes became difficult. I began to have thoughts of collapsing into
the fetal position as a basic defense mechanism.
Things become a little fuzzy at this point. But the next thing I remember I was driving
down the highway with a shopping bag full of various bras, stockings, and other
assortments of women's underwear. Plus, I was sucking my thumb. A victim in the truest
sense of the word. I hope my dad and brother like their gifts this year.
Have a very Merry Christmas!
|